You Can't Create the Life You Want by Trying to Fix the Life You Don't Want

Why clearing away what's wrong rarely leaves you with what's right, and what to follow instead.

Clearing the weeds from a patch of ground won’t get you a garden. You might get a clear patch of exposed earth…but only for a while.

Most of us know this about gardens. We tend to forget that it also applies to our lives. So much of the effort we put into changing things goes toward getting rid of what we don't like. The habit we're tired of. The job that takes more than it gives. The pattern in our relationships that keeps showing up wearing a different face. The assumption is, “If I can clear away enough of what's wrong, whatever is left standing will be the life I want.”

It rarely works out that way. You can spend years pulling out everything you don't want. Your mind will get very skilled at spotting what needs to go. And yet, you'll still have no clear sense of what you'd like to grow in that fresh patch of soil. You were only subtracting.

There's a reason this happens, and it has to do with attention. The mind gets good at whatever it practices, so if the main practice on offer is scanning for what's broken, that's the skill that gets developed. In our culture, this “skill” is probably very familiar to you. You've likely heard the voice in your head, the one regularly pointing out what rubs you the wrong way, noticing where something (or someone) has fallen short of a silent expectation of perfection, or catching you in that pattern or behavior you said you wanted to stop doing. “There is another one of those weeds we've been trying to pull out!”

Your mind has had many years of developing this skill and it's gotten really good at it. It has a whole catalogue full of all the stuff you don't want. It can spot all the variations of weeds, in any season, in any phase of their growth cycle. And it is on constant watch, scanning the world around you, alerting you every time it finds a match. But this is an endless task that will never lead you into the lush and productive garden you are after. If you are only hunting for problems, you'll find plenty of them...probably more than were there to begin with.

The quieter skill of learning what draws you in, knowing what you do want planted in your garden, and understanding how to move in that direction… gets very little exercise.

So if “fixing” and removing all the weeds isn't the way there, what is?

In my own life, the way forward usually shows up as something very small at first. It shows up as this gentle pull. A slight curiosity. A subject I keep circling back to for no practical reason. A conversation that leaves me more lit up than it should have. An old interest I dropped years ago that still tugs at me when I come across it. A “yes” that surprises me on its way out of my mouth.

We don't need any more practice weeding. If the mind gets good at whatever it practices, then let's give it something better to practice. What happens if we start re-orienting our attention towards noticing what we love? Let your mind get really good at identifying even the slightest hint of openness. Let it really understand the signature of what it feels like in your body when you come alive for a moment. When you come across a flower that draws you in, go ahead and try your hand at planting one in the patch of ground right under your feet…even right amongst all those weeds. Clear a little space and see what happens.

Taking this approach, I've found that over time I'm surrounded by much more of what I love. The more these things take root and expand, the less I notice the weeds. And many of those even seem to have diminished as my focus has shifted. In the moments I’ve felt most alive, I notice that I wasn't looking for something to replace the weeds…I wasn’t even thinking about the weeds at all. I was letting my attention be drawn into the things that were lighting me up. That re-orientation taught me more about what I did want in my garden, and over time I’ve gotten better and better at noticing and staying connected to the life I’m drawn to.

The best part is, this can start happening now…amongst the weeds. I'm not waiting for that “someday” when a plot of soil is perfectly groomed and prepared. (That day may never come.) And I don’t need to hold back when my mind tries to tell me that I should know all the things and have a full plan before I take action. The subtle cues that show up in your life are rarely going to come with a plan attached. Keep your attention on the intoxicating scent of that flower for as long as you can.

Finding one thing that has some life in it, and taking a step toward it, turns out to be a far more reliable way to grow the life you want than removing everything you don't. Each step you take makes the next one a little easier to see, and you continue learning and refining as you go. You don't have to know exactly where each curious pull leads. It's enough to notice that it's real, that it has some warmth in it when everything else feels flat. Follow one real thread far enough and it tends to take you somewhere you couldn't have reasoned your way to from where you started. You don't have to fix everything first, and you don't need the whole garden planned out in advance.

Try it over the next few days. Notice what gives you a small glimmer of life: a flicker of interest, a bit of energy, or even something you'd just like to know more about. (Never mind how impractical it might look. There is no need to evaluate it.) Then, take some small step in that direction. Watch where your attention wants to go after that.

Don't let your heart go wandering about on its own.

Follow it!

Big Love,

Bob